We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
