This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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