I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
And then he peed in my hair
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