make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
