i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You can't motorboat a personality
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
