You're earring is so big in my mouth
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
