come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
