Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
