why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Come see our sink grown plant.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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