those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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