I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
