p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
