Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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