a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
