The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Got a toothbrush?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
