i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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