I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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