Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
