you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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