strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
