I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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