So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
