So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
