it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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