mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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