Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
