Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
