she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
