I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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