Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
