I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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