I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
