shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
