Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
