the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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