He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
