I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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