paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
