Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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