i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
