Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you never un-have a 4some
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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