i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
