dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Houston, we have a squirter
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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