I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can I color on your dick again?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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