It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
