dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
