why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
