you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
