Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We are all done wearing pants today
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
