Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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