I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
