She is in my trunk
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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