i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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